Need to talk to someone?

If you are worried about someone you know, our 24/7 support line can also provide advice and assistance to friends and family. Call ✆0800 28 48 26 to speak to one of our team.

 

What are the signs someone is experiencing violence?

It’s not always obvious that a friend or loved one is in a harmful relationship, especially as physical injuries may not be present. Keep an eye out for:

• excuses for injuries
• personality changes – such as low self-esteem
• constantly checking in with their partner
• never having money on hand
• missing school/work/social occasions with no clear reason

This is by no means a complete list.

 

For children, you might notice:

• Anxiety disorders; excessive fears; shyness; nightmares
• Cruelty to animals or other people
• Attention seeking behaviours
• Suppressed feelings and failure to relate well to others
• Becoming withdrawn, uncommunicative and isolated
• Self-harm or suicide attempts
• Frequent sickness; failure to thrive
• An inability to concentrate or engage in learning or play
• Difficulty forming attachments and maintaining good relationships
• Trouble sleeping, or settling down
• Disruptive behaviours - tantrums, bullying, aggression
• Being unable to confide in or trust other adults

See our 'Legal Information' page to find out more about what to do, if you suspect a child is being abused.

 

How can you support someone in an abusive relationship?

If your friend or family member is in an abusive relationship, they may have a different point of view than you. They might not realise what they’re experiencing is abuse, or even if they do, they might choose to stay in their relationship. This can be painful to watch, but it’s important to still be there for them.

Here’s a few practical things you can do:

• Don’t be afraid to reach out – tell your friend you’re concerned and want to help.
• Connect your friend to an organisation that can help, like Aviva.
• Help make a safety plan.
• Be supportive. Listen patiently and respect their feelings and decisions.
• People experiencing abuse can blame themselves, and suffer low self esteem – show them through your actions that they’re valued, important and worthy of respect.
• Focus on the person you’re trying to support, not their partner.
• If the person chooses to end the relationship, continue to support them and validate their feelings.

What not to do:

• Do not contact the person who you think is being abusive, post or share negative things about them.
• Although you might disagree with a person’s opinion of their relationship, or their decision to stay, don’t criticise them for it. Even if your loved one stays in the relationship, it’s important they still feel comfortable talking to you about it.

 

How can you support someone who has been sexually assaulted?

When someone you care about discloses to you that they have been sexually assaulted, it's understandable if you don't know how best to support them. Although nothing can erase the trauma a person has experienced, there are some things you can do to help them. 

Here's a few things you can do:

• Believe them and reassure them that you're on their side. One of the most common fears people who have been sexually assaulted experience is of not being believed.
• Encourage them to seek support. It is important never to insist, or force them to seek medical attention, counselling, or to press charges. However, you can suggest these things, while assuring them that you will support them regardless. 
• Listen to your friend and ask what they need. Don't get frustrated if they don't have an answer. Be patient; if the assault was recent it's likely your friend is in shock and needs to process what's happened. 
• Continue to support them after the initial shock and trauma; the effects of sexual assault can last for years. 

What not to do:

• Don't minimise what happened, or try to help your friend 'cheer up'. We can do this unintentionally, when we assure people that they'll soon 'be themselves again', or try to distract them/change the subject when they're talking.
• Don't take control of the situation - you might think you know what's best for your friend, but it's important to let them make their own decisions. Following a sexual assault, people often feel disempowered and violated. Although it's completely understandable to want to take over in an effort to help, you need to let your friend decide what actions to take, in their own time. 
• Don't say anything judgemental - for example, don't comment about how they ended up in the situation, or ask how much they had had to drink. 

Lastly, remember it's important to take care of yourself; supporting someone through a trauma can take its toll and be potentially triggering for the supporter.  Stay connected with your own support system and make time for yourself. You can't support somebody if your own reserves are depleted. 

For information and other support services in New Zealand, see Aviva's Sexual Assault Support Service.

 

Advice for talking to your tamariki

• Choose to talk and to listen - Make time to talk away from any distractions, listen without interrupting, and be honest about what you're feeling.
• Pick your moment -Heated communication can often happen in the wrong place, so agree on another time and place to discuss the issue.
• Discuss the issue, not the person - Focus on the issue that is causing the conflict. Try to use "I" statements.
• Say what you mean -If you're not clear in your communication this can lead to confusion and further conflict. Don't forget, your children can't read your mind.
• Be open -While it can be hard to discuss what irritates you about your child’s behaviour, it's important that you create opportunities to do so.
• Learn to apologise - You may not always be right, and by admitting this communication becomes a lot easier.

 

Contact us

For more advice, or to discuss a particular situation:

• Call us on ✆0800 28 48 26 or ✆(03) 378 3847 - 24 hours a day, seven days a week, for people in Canterbury
• Email ✉enquiries@aviva.org.nz (this inbox is checked Monday-Friday, 9-5)

 

Parenting Courses and Support Agencies